| Goodies for sale |
[Jul. 17th, 2006|12:01 pm] |
Hey -
Just wanted to let you gals know that I'm selling some clothes. I'm having a summer clear out so keep an eye out
See you there!
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| goals |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|04:25 pm] |
To go to the gym every other day
To exercise at home on non-gym days (leg-press, push-ups, sit-ups)
To eat 3 times a day
To finish my degree
To have a plan after finishing the degree (where to go, what to do)
To make a weekly meal plan
To make a weekly shopping list and only go shopping once a week
To get a new therapist to help me with my anger
To spend less money |
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| strangest thing ... |
[May. 25th, 2005|09:37 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Wonders never Cease - Morcheeba | ] |
Both my parents are depressed!
It's the strangest thing. It's as if they can't distract themselves enough anymore. My parents have both been quite active, always doing something. Working, traveling, exercising - well I don't know. When I think about them, they always seem busy, running around. In fact, I can't remember seeing them just, you know, talking to eachother.
The problem is they have been physically stopped. My mom injured her knee some months ago, not long before I injured my hand. Anyway, it's not healing right, but my mom has been outset from the beginning to look at it negatively, it's a vicious cycle causing her not to want to exercise her leg, and her mood drops and everything is just shit - probably more or less in a similar way to how I might feel on some days.
And my dad, since he retired or got fired or whatever, I'm not really sure, it never really got made clear; he's been stuck at home, going to school to learn Danish (finally, that only took like, 10 yrs or so ...) exercising, and doing DIY stuff at home. The only problem is that he used to cycle to work at 9am, come home at 8pm, go swimming/running/sea , cook late dinner, more work etc. And in addition he also has the house in Poland to run.
I don't really understand their lives. They seem like very abstract people to me all of a sudden. The pieces don't seem to fit together like they used to, they have become an unfamiliar Picasso painting.
Anyway. So they are both stuck in the house a lot of the time now. Of course they still go swimming and all that, well except that that's all my mom can do. Sit, swim and limp around very slowly. In a way they are stuck in the house together, my brother has moved out and we both have our own lives that they no longer know everything about.
It's such a radical change for them. And I don't think they quite realised how that was going to be. I really wonder what they are thinking. My dad said he was having a difficult time getting out of bed in the morning - sounds familiar? But that he makes himself get up every morning around 11-12 and go for a run, put up a shelf (the house is now covered in shelves...) or something. When we went on holiday he even stumbled on the pavement and fell while my brother and I were walking with him. I know it can happen to anyone, but to me it's all signs of age. Or perhaps I'm just biased because my dad talks about how weak and old he has become.
I fear my brother will become depressed when he comes to study in the UK. Just like me... But no, I mustn't think about that, and if it happens I know I will be there for him and that's just that. I lied to him about it when he asked about some of my scars. I told him the truth and made out after that it was a joke. I could see that he was worried, but let it go.
I also fear that writing about my parents like this means that I'm not grateful for them. I truly am, I am grateful and feel indebt to them forever. I don't know if it's a good thing to feel indebt to my parents forever, does it make it true that I feel it? Haven't they just done what they felt they wanted to do? Was the fact that I was given life a bargain? That's how I feel, that because they gave me life, I have to give them mine. To allow them in a way to live forever, to continue their legacy. Ha ha! I can't believe I wrote that! As if my parents would ever think like that haha, to imagine them sitting there thinking out schemes to live forever and ever. I don't think so. I better stop here or I will just continue rambling shit of the top of my head. |
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| sleepless night |
[May. 22nd, 2005|04:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | early morning bird song | ] |
This night I realised on my own, in a bad mood - that there's no way on Earth that it could ever have been my fault for being beaten. It was NOT my fault when my mom lost her temper, that was HER fault! She was and is the more experienced adult, she's the one who has to know self-control. Sure you can yell and scream, but you certainly don't abuse and hit.
I grew up with what I see as an erratic mom. I find it difficult to think nice thinks about her, and that makes me feel guilty. I know she's strong, energetic, fun, imaginative, impulsive, young at heart, and it stops about there, of course I also know she loves me as a mother only can. I guess she's also fairly open minded. And helpful.
I don't think I'll make myself a list of the negatives, after all, I know those pretty well.
The main thing is I know that it was her responsibility to keep me from harm, but she was unable to keep her own fucking temper. I know how hard it is to keep my temper, and I've blown up around people all my life. But how could I not ? In my family that's OK. Well it's not like we talk about it, but we joke about it... I just think it's wrong and that it was completely unfair to unload like that on a little girl (and boy in the case of my brother).
What does knowing she was wrong change? Maybe I can stop feeling as if I'm doing something wrong all the time? Maybe I will stop needing to be perfect and not beat myself up when I'm not. That would be so good. I wouldn't feel as if I had someone looking over my shoulder, critisising me constantly. If I know that that voice is wrong, that it has nothing to do with how I act and who I am then maybe I will be OK. She was so goddamn erratic, she could just flip out on you, beat you up, scream her head off at you, and then apologise, plead for forgiveness and comfort. I had made my mama feel bad and was a bad person. But that is not true, it should never have come to that. SHE WAS WRONG. HER NOT ME. i was a good girl damm it. Mischievious, imaginative, sweet, quick, back-talking, independent, stubborn, mature - and that's how I need to see myself.
So what now? Do I just lie back and let it sink in? Do I have to do some ritual? Repeat it? What about the hurt little girl ? There's no denying she's as real as I am. Will this knowledge help her? Hmmm, I wonder...
hvor er du altsaa dum mor. det kan du bare ikke vaere bekendt. jeg kunne umuligt have gjort noget der fortjente saa mange slag. Hvis jeg havde saa ville jeg nok kunne huske det. Nu foeles det bare som om jeg goer alting forkert. at jeg er forkert. men det er jeg slet ikke. du har ikke ret. du er dum. du gjorde mig rigtig meget fortraed. du gjorde mig rigtig ked af det og du fik mig til at graede i rigtig lang tid, i rigtig mange aar. du faar mig stadig til at graede nu. du har saa meget magt, du aner det slet ikke. istedet undre du dig over hvorfor jeg vil vaek. jeg er bange for dig. bange for din vrede og kritik. Men mest af alt forvirret. forvirret over din modvillige til at undskylde. Jeg ved at det er svaert for dig at skulle indroemme det, men det har ogsaa vaeret svaert for mig. Men det er alt for store forhaabninger til dig, det ved jeg, du har sikkert lidt nok - selvom det altsaa ville vaere bedre hvis du lod vaere med at leve i uvidenhed og fik lyst til at se hvad der foregik inde i hovdet paa dig selv naar du blive saa vred.
I guess the little girl needs to let go off her anger towards herself in order to move on. And perhaps just knowing that it wasn't her fault she can begin to do that. Maybe I can stop being so pissed off with myself when I don't meet the order of the day. Although not too sure about that one... At least I have to stop being angry at myself for doing all those stupid things to myself, at least I know that I was taught something wrong. I was taught to beat myself up. To tell myself that I was fat, stupid, cheap, bad and deserved pain. Now I know that those things are wrong. I'm perfectly fine now as I was then and I'm not doing anything terribly wrong at all. OK so I'm not exactly where I want to be in my life, but I have been dealing with a lot of stuff - A LOT OF STUFF. And that's just that.
Of course my parents opinions matter to me, but they're not fucking right all the time. They really aren't. They are good people and they want the best for me (they really do, even when it's obvious it's not) and they try their best to be good parents. But they have NO RIGHT to make me feel bad any more. I'm an adult. I'm not a fucking kid anymore whose life depend on the goodwill of the parents. I can take care of myself and I have absolutely no fucking idea why they should want me to feel otherwise, but as it happens to be the case they don't think that I'm capable of such things. Even though they've remarked on my independence throughout my life, but I guess when it came to it they didn't think I was doing such a great job? Or something like, fuck knows.
I suppose that means I'm free? Where are the "hallelulja's" , relief and instant mood lift? I hope they are just around the corner.
Oh - and I've also decided to give up drinking and smoking pot for a while to see if it helps with the whole sleep/mood/motivation/food/work/gym thing. I hope it won't be to tricky. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|01:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cure - Lovecats | ] |
more slashes, cuts, freak-outs, and rage from the greensatins lovely corner in the universe. Can't say I'm not trying my best. Ended up in hospital this time after an anger attack. God my wonder and amazement of the strength of sub-consciousness never seizes to amaze me. It's all in my mind I know, but knowing this fact doesn't make it any easier to control your own brain chemicals nonethe less although some people would choose to disagree. I have to make the change happen I know, and I'm constantly trying but it just takes aaaaaages.
I did have a revelation, that no one has the right to hurt another person, and that includes me. For some reason or other I never had that form of self-protection in my life. But now I do. It's such a simple thing, and yet it has taken me 25 yrs to realise. No more self-harm for me, no siree.
It does make me feel a lot better about myself to have the knowledge that I don't and never did deserve to get hurt, it enables me to take a steps that I've never been able to take even though I've tried many times before. How many times have I told my loved one that I will never hurt myself and then ended up in a situation where I've been incapable of keeping my promise. I feel a bit hesistant saying that that will never happen again, for obvious reasons, but at the same time I know that I can no longer afford the luxury of being flippant (not that I ever was!) about such things and so I know that I will no longer do such things. I have enough scars - don't need anymore. There are better ways of showing your inner pain.
In an argument with my bf (which I won't go into detail with) some weeks ago, I lost it and almost cut myself to death, but was physically restrained by bf (whom I also ended up cutting when fighting over the broken shards in my hands). That was pretty scary. And it really shook me up, but obviously not enough to not end up in a similarly dangerous situation a couple of weeks later where I cut my hand (by accident) in anger and cut some tendons which I had to be operated for - my very first operation... It was pretty cool to go under I have to say.
Anyway, I was having a cocktail party when I had my anger outburst (because I was stressed and my bf was nagging me about ex-gf and most importantly had not been taking my meds properly for a week) and cut my hand, the following morning without any sleep and plenty of alcohol under the belt, I lost it again. It was simply nightmarish, so much self-hatred was pouring out of me, that I almost made myself run into a shop window, because I hated my reflection so much. But I managed to phone a friend who picked me up and took me to the Lakes (mental institution). It was horrible, and then I knew that I had to, simply had to never ever end up in a place like that EVER.
Things are still going pretty slowly though and I'm sleeping most of the time and doing very little uni work, but hopefully this tiredness will soon pass. Something HAS to happen regarding my sleepiness 'cos it simply cannot go on like this. It's very frustrating to have zero energy and motivation to do anything. |
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| downhill |
[Sep. 29th, 2004|12:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
Everything seems to be going wrong since the coke incident.
I have no motivation, well I have the motivation just not the will to do anything. I've been getting up at fucking 13.00, I haven't been to the gym, I haven't done ANY of the things I'm supposed to be doing and all my bad habits are starting to flourish back up again. My routine was all delicately balanced anyway and now it's fucked and I don't know how to get back into it again. It sucks. I'm disgusted with myself. |
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| rah! |
[Sep. 27th, 2004|06:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
Just pissed off. Just so annoyed with myself and everything else in this world. Had a party saturday in the new house. And I knew there was going to be coke around and I hadn't bought any when offered before the party, but once the party started I just took some anyway and ended up buying some. Now I just feel so guilty. It was so unnecessary. I didn't want to do coke but I still did anyway. It just sucks. Coke sucks and not being able to say no sucks. Very annoying and I just ended up behaving like a twat. fuck that. |
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| Climbing through the looking-glass |
[Sep. 23rd, 2004|02:07 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I feel so overcome. By what? Myself.
Overcome by depression and food. It's always on my mind. Mostly because I cling to it. I seriously think it's all my own fucking fault. There are so many easy escapes, blaming parents, blaming brother, blaming, blaming, blaming. But perhaps it's only a desire to figure out why, why I feel so bad most of my life. I hate this fucking self-pity. Wallowing in it I am. Wish I could just snap out of it and do, do what, exactly? That's the thing, I'm so fucking caught up in myself that I don't know what I want. Sounds paradoxical? It is. You'd think that all those hours and hours and hours of looking into my own navel would come up with some good ideas and answers. But I guess nothing good comes out of only focusing on the negative, but what if you believe, really believe that negativity is all you possess. That all you are is a spoiled, fat, stupid little bitch. I know I'm supposed to just make that leap of faith which goes - well just assume that there's something good about you. And then eventually you're supposed to actually see that good.
I'm just a sad, sad person. I feel so trapped. Like, I want to do all these bad things and I want to do all these other "good" things (or whatever) but I don't feel able to do any of it. So I'm just stuck, hating myself because of my weakness of not being able to just be one or the other. Instead I just wallow in my limbo. I wish sometimes (often) that I could just be really really ill and that all the burden of being me could just be taken away. And then I would just be this ill person, and it wouldn't matter if I was sad because I would have a good reason - I would be ill. But just this sadness over hardly anything is really doing my head in. I always feel like I'm constantly ready to give up the fight.
I hate this depressing shit, I hate being jealous, I hate being insecure, I hate having low self-esteem, I hate not knowing what I want, I hate having needs, I hate food, I hate my body, I hate having all this ambition and nowhere to put it, I hate putting restrictions on myself, I hate not having a style, I hate the effort of being me, I hate our culture, I hate marketing, I hate the situations that drive people to self-destruct, I hate being so angry, I hate not knowing what to do with my anger, I hate not being useful, I hate complaining - I hate wishing that I could do something about it, I hate knowing that it's just up to me to do something about it, that it's there, ready for me to grab. I can be WHOEVER (anyone can) but I just don't know how to become that person that I would like. I want to be anyone else but me. It's crazy but it's true. I've always wanted that. Ever since I was little I was always tried to second guess what people were thinking and feeling and how I could think/feel the same, to really know what it meant to be them. In a way, as much as I have focused on myself, I have always focused on myself in relation to other people. Always. Don't get me wrong, I can spend time on my own, but I get stressed, and have lots of conversations with different voices in my head, different characters that I could be if I wanted to. But I can't choose, there are so many. And I know that I'll eventually have to choose myself, and I'm trying to, but I don't like myself very much so it's hard to get used to. It's so boring. But this is boring too. And it's much, much easier to be someone else than yourself. I know a lot more about other people (or at least think I do) than I know about myself. Hmmm, maybe that should be a sign, maybe I should tell myself that since I don't know myself very well how can I discard the idea so easily and be so judgmental. I would never be so judgmental of others (unless they remind me of me) as I am of myself.
myself myself myself myself myself myself, I I I I I I - just shut the fuck up! cunt.
I think I should probably just go to sleep. Leave this alone and just try and get on with it. Ha! I could smack myself when I say stupid things like that. I fucking have constantly be on guard, arguing, debating, reassuring myself. It's OK that you took the bus home, you walked to the gym, 50mins on bike is ok, you're doing all the other exercises, you can't eat that ham, you can eat that ham it's only 10kcal, bananas are fattening, but healthy and rich in vitamins, stop smoking, no you must smoke, be nice, be patient, be understanding, you can't change your mind, you have to study, don't dissapoint, be a success, get rich, live perfect, get thin, don't spend money, take a rest, don't be lazy, don't throw up, you have to throw up, etc etc etc etc etc it never fucking ends. All the time. Jab jab jab jabbing away. Valium was good for stopping that... I don't know anymore. All I can do is to go on.
I'm not that depressed - just need to vent. I guess I'm fairly depressed, but it's been much much worse and at least I'm arguing with myself now, at least sometimes I'm kinda nice and understanding to myself. It's hard and it feels wrong but at least I'm accepting that I have to tolerate myself a bit more than I have in the past and hopefully the tolerance will progress to actually (gasp!) liking myself... I don't know.
I just get fed up you know. Just want to go away from it all. I'm so disgusted by myself most of the time that I just want out and not be. But I know that's not an option and hopefully it will all be worth it in the end and I will become a person that I love and like and care about. And it will all seem like a dream... a bad dream that helped me understand myself better than if I hadn't had the dream at all. That's the thing I worry about whether it could all have been avoided and I would have been the same person. I hope all this crap at least have gained me some kind of bonus that I wouldn't get if I hadn't gone through all this. Let there be an important life lesson, some strenghts, personality traits, knowledge, education that I could not have known otherwise. |
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| green jalousi |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|09:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
Moved in to the new house last Sunday. It's all crazy and chaotic. I don't know how to live in a mess like this, it's driving me nuts. I'm going to have seriously re-evaluate what clothes to keep, there simply isn't space for it all. I find it so hard to separate from my clothes, very attached to them.
I have no idea where all my energy has gone. Supposed to go to the gym this morning but I just don't know if I can do it. Keep having seriously weird dreams at night. Mostly dreams where something outrageously unfair is happening to me and I can't do anything about it. In the dreams the people try to convince me that it's not outrageous at all and tell me how to act, which I then try and it just makes me feel like shit. This night my dream was about my boyfriend cheating on me, right in front of me and it was pretty horrible. It's the second time I have this dream.... I don't know what to make of it. All I know is that it makes me irritated with him and very jealous of every girl he's looking at... Not good.
I think it might have something to do with my anorexic friend who is being abused by her landlord. The landlord rents out 2 rooms in the house that he lives in, so they all live together. And he's having sex with my friend just because he can, because she's unable to say no to him. And then he slags her body off, telling her she has no butt or breasts. Well who would if they weighed 3 stone??! It's just so fucked up and I really want to tell the bastard a thing or two, but I don't feel able to because it might put my friends accommodation in jeopardy. Fucked up I tell you, really really fucked up. My heart aches just thinking about it. As if she hasn't had enough of that shit in her life already.
Going to Alton Towers this weekend. Should be fun. Although there will be lots of drinking and smoking and with my energy levels being this low already I'm not sure it's such a good idea. Although we all know that I will be drinking and smoking none the less...
It's probably the reason why my energy levels are low anyway: the smoking (of the green stuff). Now that would make a lot of sense wouldn't it? I need to be able to say no to that, especially when Uni starts, I can't get stoned every night. It's really a really bad idea.
Anyway what else? Just feeling pissed off I guess, everything is annoying me and I don't know how to get it out of my system. Rah!
Fuck it - I'm not going anywhere, except over to a friend's to have a bath (we only have are *really* crap shower here). Gym can wait 'till tomorrow (it's funny I keep seeing the word can't instead of can...). Today I'm just going to be shuffling around at home in my slippers and try to sort out through a mountain of clothes. I feel bad for throwing my clothes out, I do give it to charity but I'd rather give it to someone I know (then I can always claim it back if needed be)
Take it easy. |
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| Great waves |
[Sep. 10th, 2004|11:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
Today was a nice day.
I actually got up at 8am - wooo hoo! And was at the gym by 8.30! (can you believe it?!)Got home, shower, dressed and off to the psychiatrist which was not so good at all. "Do you realise that you're ill and need help?" Du'h! What the fuck? Why have I been spending the last 3 years getting help? Very weird, patronising, feel bad statement/question. But anyway the conclusion was that anti-depressants will be on the menu for the next 6months. Which sucks. But hopefully they will actually help this time around and not just vaguely dull my emotions and make the rest of me all weird and wobbly. What can I say, I don't feel like it, but I don't feel like being how I am now either. Something has to be done, action must be taken to move on.
Boyfriend and I had planned to go to Frinton beach today, but of course the weather changed on the day that we had things planned. Nice and sunny right up to...yesterday! Still it wasn't too bad, and it was still fairly warm so we went anyway and thank goodness for that. The sun came out and I had a naked swim in the sea. It was great. It always freshens my mind and makes me feel at one with the nature.
Now I'm just nicely tired from all the sea air, walking and big decisions. |
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| no progress |
[Sep. 9th, 2004|06:32 pm] |
Can you believe the audacity of this life!? As if yesterday wasn't enough, today wasn't much better. It brings my piss to a boiling point, I'm so fed up of all this. Why does it have to be so hard to move on and be nice to yourself? Is it because I still deep down believe that I deserve all the bad in the world? How can this be? I thought that I got myself over that last night. Maybe I need to repeat it. I don't deserve to treat myself badly. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to cut myself some slack. I deserve to do whatever I want to do (? - that sounds weird, well they all do, but let's keep them coming). Not only that but I didn't deserve the things that were done to me! I am not just a summation of the things that has happened to me (hmm I'm not sure I agree to this on a purely philosphy of mind, evolutionary, neurological kinda of way, but I digress). So where were we? Something about how much I'm allowed to just be me and that me can be loved and not perfect ('cos I'm not a snowflake). And I can be free, free from rules. The rules only exist in my head, I can be a rogue and break them all. Laugh at them.
I read that if you make people do the opposite (like opposite George in Seinfeld) once a week, like something different each day for a month. E.g you're an introvert, try to be extrovert for a week. You usually go to gym, don't. And so forth, and apparently after a month you will naturally to do different things that are better for you - just 1, ONE! month. It would be really tricky I think, and you'd have to be quite imaginative. But maybe towards the end you won't have to think that much about it, you just stop doing the "usual" and hence become more free to know what you could do different, because you see opportunity rather than limitations. It would also explain why I like so much to travel and live in different countries. Just change your whole personality by a move, where nobody knows you. But after a while the old one starts creeping back and taking more and more over. It's probably not really the same thing...hehe.
Anyway, so I didn't make it anywhere today. Tomorrow is D-day (D for Dr. day) where I'm going to decide whether or not to do the whole anti-depressant thing all over again. Am I ready to fuck with my mind a little bit more? That the big question. It's pretty messed up at the moment. Maybe the meds will put a nice little white blanket over it all and I can know that's something is wrong but not quite figure out what it is (to an even higher degree than it is now) |
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| and another... |
[Sep. 8th, 2004|10:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Baby Please Don't Go" by Nancy Sinatra | ] |
Another day of catharsis has been survived (although the day isn't quite over yet). Can't even remember how the day started, all I know that lots of crying ensued. I'm just all confused and melancholic. The whole thing is just so unfair. As if I haven't been through enough. The worst thing is that I'm doing it all to myself. I sincerely hope this is the last catharsis and that it will all get better now. It did feel kinda good, but then it has before and I've previously thought that surely this one would be the last...
This time around I hope, I think, that it finally sunk in that I really do not deserve all the punishment I put myself through on a daily basis. But I don't know for sure, it's been beaten pretty well into me by people (i.e. parents) that should be protecting me. I always feel like such a teenager when slagging off my parents because as an adult (and unfortunately also as I child) I kinda understand why they acted the way they did, but it still doesn't feel any less true the things they made me feel about myself. I guess the main reason why I feel so bad about myself is the trauma I had to go through when I was 5. But I'm not sure, maybe that's just easier to focus on. Although I remember so painfully clearly now how I felt then, and from that point on I really truly believed that I did deserve all the bad in the world. I guess that the way my parents treated me just exaggerated that feeling, but perhaps it was the other way around. I'm not sure it really matters anyway.
I just wish that the super powerful negative, hateful voice in my head will stop and that I can actually allow myself to do the things that will give me pleasure, fun and relaxation. On the other hand I should probably not kid myself and think it will be all down hill from now on. I'm probably just on some kind of plateau on the mountain that I'm climbing, maybe I'm on my way down to the green field with flowers where I can just chill and run around barefooted as the hippie child I am.
So melancholic - I wish I was a chicken that didn't have all this annoying self-reflection. The most annoying part is that I know that the whole "I" thing is an illusion brought on by the body for it's survival.
I wish myself well and hope that I'll crawl out of this darkness soon. It has been too long, way too long. |
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| Another day... |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|03:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
Signed the house contract now all we need to do is pay up and then we'll be given the keys. It's all gone very smoothly, as if it was meant to be. I bought some buttons today, and a really cool necklace for 75p :) I love bargains (but then again who doesn't?)
Boyfriend and I talked about sex last night - *gasp*. I just curl up into a ball and feel all little and threatened. I don't understand why it has to be so difficult. I mean I can understand that anyone (except a lucky few) would feel a bit uncomfortable and shy about opening themselves up in that way. But I'm like way off the scale here. Every syllable (literally) has to be fucking dragged out of me. The weird thing is I actually like talking about sex and stuff so I don't understand myself in this situation at all. What are the mental blocks that I have? Mental blocks are weird. I've got quite a few of them. Even when I meditate there are certain areas in my mind I just can't access. It's annoying and disturbing.
I've decided that to feel better about myself, I need to think less about myself. Not in a way where I do take notice of myself and my needs (I have difficulties doing that anyway). But just stop being so damned self conscious all the time. I think that's what makes it hard to build self-esteem and confidence. If you're constantly looking inward. Especially if you only have bad things to see or say about yourself. Apparently one way of doing this is by focusing on something outside yourself (du'h) like a door, glass, anything. But impatient as I am, I can't really get it to work. I guess I just have to keep trying.
Returning to the sex. It's not that I have some absurdly bizarre kinky stuff (at least I don't think so). It's just the actually saying what I want. I just can't do it. In any aspects of my life. And I just hate making boyfriend feel left out and ignored. It's all so terribly complicated.
I had lunch in the clock museum. It was really nice until I discovered that I'd been given the wrong cornish pastry. Then it felt like I couldn't do anything right again and that everything was shit. Just because of a wrong cornish pastry! But I managed to tell myself that it didn't matter and that it wasn't the end of the world. It kinda worked but I was/am still a bit worked up by it...ridiculous. It was cool though to sit in the sun, outside, all quite whilst you knew that there was a hectic town-life going on beyond the walls of the clock museum. And when I looked up there was a red balloon flying away in the distance...
I think I'm going to make myself go to the gym now.
Will be going to Waffles to drink cheap cocktails with my friend. She's so ill from anorexia that it's really scary. All I can do is be a friend, there's nothing I can say or do that will make her better. |
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| Back on track |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|02:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
So I think I'm getting back on track. It's a new week so hopefully I'll just be able to get on with things and do them even if I don't feel particularly like doing them (i.e. gym).
Ladies and Gentlemen: I will be going to the gym today so that's that. Basta!
Boyfriend is starting counseling, I hope that it will be helpful to him (and me, I'm so selfish...).
Going to check out the house today again. Work was pointless today, but at least I went.
Signing off... |
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| stormy days |
[Sep. 5th, 2004|09:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | little | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "18 with a bullet" by Peter Wingfield | ] |
The last couple of days have really been all over the place. Well the days as such have just been days, but my emotions (and hence me) have been completely out of the window. It's actually quite hard to remember. Last night the people downstairs phoned the police to come and check up on me because I was flipping out and screaming at my boyfriend. I'd been feeling really restless after having gone to town and all the girls were either prettier or thinner (or both at the same time!!) than me. I felt really fat, I say felt as if it was past tense but I always do. And because I felt so bad I didn't make it to the gym, which is really stupid because that would probably have been the only thing and is the only thing that can help me loose all this fat and feel better about myself. Although even that has it's problems, 'cos no matter how thin I am I still look fat to myself. I know that I have problems with my perception of myself, but that's doesn't really help very much. I don't know whether it was because I was feeling bad or just because I "like" to be self-destructive but I also xxxx (deleted scene 1) xxxxx. My vices are binging, vomiting, cutting, head-banging, destruction of items that I care a lot about, being abusive, stealing and I think that's about it, but I've probably left something out... Got back and xxxxx (deleted scene 2)xxxxx And I chit chatted with boyfriend and his friend. Then I had to phone up loads of landlords to look for a house that we can rent as we have to move next week and none of us has been able to do anything about it because my freakin' money never arrived. But I'm pleased to say that I found a rather lovely (albeit a bit dark) old converted pub from 1550 with really nice landlord and cheap rent. So that's really cool. During all that I was making a pizza, which we didn't get to eat until 22.00 and the dough was really shit. I tried to take a relaxing bath with some Lush bathing stuff, but it didn't turn all kinds of different colours as the packaging had promised it would leaving me mighty dissapointed and even more irritated. I ended up lying in the bath dissing my body and boyfriend trying to convince me that I was beautiful. I got out of annoying bath not relaxed just more pissed off and hateful towards myself. Anyway, boyfriend continuously tried to cheer me up. But because he was getting irritated with me by that stage he wasn't being very diplomatic and since my tension had been building up for many many hours by then, I exploded and started yelling and screaming. 20 mins later the cops shows up and asking if my boyfriend has been beating me! Jesus. I felt sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo shit. But that's what I live for. Those moments of getting caught shop lifting, getting caught cheating at an exam, just being told off and proven that I really am as shit as I think I am. Sick, sick, sick. xxxx (deleted scene 3) xxxx. The cops left and all was cool went to bed and had totally weird dreams. I felt I was on acid and totally out of control...I couldn't figure out whether or not it was real or not and tried to wake myself up, but was incapable. I'm sure I did a lot of talking in my sleep too.
Anyway, Friday was actually quite good. Although had another row with boyfriend over some stupidity of mine. He's just very tense at the moment and I'm very bad at taking anything but myself into consideration and feel unloved and ignored if anyone has any problems. I'm quite hard work. So I didn't go to gym, didn't go to work so haven't managed to do all the things that I promised I would do. Although work isn't actually work, it just me hanging around my supervisor trying to have some kind of routine in the midst of chaos. So I should probably not feel so guilty when I don't do all the stuff I set out to do because I'm just doing it because I suppousedly want to. But what I did manage to do was to go to Frinton beach all by myself and have a marvelous day. I even had a swim in the sea. I didn't bring a towel or swimming costume so it was completely impulsive and I was very happy that I managed to do that. I then had a really long walk and just enjoyed the sea, nature and fresh air. Got back home in a very good mood.
I wish I could be more open about my sexuality. I'm so shy and embarrassed. I can't stand it. I would love to be able to be more sexy and adventurous, but I can't even say the word pussy and it took me ages to say cock or dick (I'm now fluent in both). I'm so self-conscious about my body (you know I think I'm fat) and I find it impossible to say what I want or to say what I would like to try. It really bothers me. I would love to be able to do fun sex stuff with boyfriend. I can't even admit to myself that I want a dildo. Been trying for years to make myself buy one but I always come up with some lame excuse. I'm pathetic...
This coming Friday I have an appointment with a psychiatrist about going on anti-depressants again. I still don't know if I'm going to or not. I've tried them before and the side-effects were just too much to handle (I've tried 3 different kinds: prozac, lefopramine, cipralex). And I don't think it's very good for my brain anyway. But on the other hand neither is all this lack of self-esteem, self-hate and depression. How do I get over myself and just get on with life???? |
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|
| Done! |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|05:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
Fucking hell!
Finally done...
Now I'm supposed to go and be all active at the gym. Bah - cannot be bothered. But I must persevere.
So tired and I'm not looking at any more computer screens today. Whenever I take my eyes away everything is a bit fuzzy. Can't be a good sign... |
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|
| The life of a mingon |
[Sep. 2nd, 2004|03:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
On my 300th database book entry...
Very very bored. Looks like I've got another 300 to go.
I have to do something tonight otherwise my head will explode out of pure boredom. I can't count on anyone but myself, really must get that into my head. It is pretty much etched in stone in my head, but it's human nature to want to socialise and work together. That's why we have empathy. There's no escaping it. If we don't trust we feel bad, simply as a reaction to our defiance of the laws of nature. It's not that I don't want to trust as such. It's more the feeling of handing myself over on a silver platter for someone to deveaour me if they are so inclined. I don't know - there's just a lot of risk involved. Many chances to get hurt and disapointed. And I've really had enough of those two feelings in my life to be extra cautious whenever a possibility of experiencing those emotions presents itself. Also because I'm so over zealous with protecting myself from them I tend to be overly sensitive to them. So even if a "normal" person would be OK with a certain outcome of a situation I have to constrain myself and supervene my emotions with logic in order to not act as some hysteric pre/post-ms'ing bitch. Adding to that, that I'm not always (it's more like 50-50) able to do this whole logic over emotion thing and so I end up being carried away on the emotional rollercoaster called hurt and disapointment.
Anyway back to fun, fun, fun. Book #301 is awaiting it's place in the grand scheme of things.... |
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| Irony |
[Aug. 27th, 2004|12:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  guilty | ] |
Today I realised that the course I did worst in when I was doing my BSc I will have to do more or less again for my MSc. It's called something different, might have slight variations but it's taught by the same guy and it's basically going to be the same horrid experience.
It's a pretty annoying and scary realisation, but there's only one thing to do, that's to buy lots of books and just practice *sigh*
Yesterday was a real shit day. Boyfriend and I had big fight. Was very unpleasant and put me in a tense and bad mood for the rest of the day. I didn't achieve anything. I know everything shouldn't be about achieving and actually doing anything physical that you can see and touch. I just have a real hard time with realising that you need to relax and have fun before you can achieve... or something along those lines. I'm sure you know what I mean.
Really don't feel like gyming today. I think I won't go I can always go Saturday and/or Sunday. It's important that I learn to do things when I want to and don't do things when I don't want to. Otherwise everything will end up (as it has in the past and to some degree still is) feeling as a chore. Of course I should be disciplined. And I worry about that a lot. I think that if I don't make myself do thing ALL the time I will stop doing everything. Simply because I'm too tired to do anything and the only reason why I do them in the first place is because I'm such a 4-star stubborn psycho guilt whipper. But apparently the idea is that I allow myself time to relax (as I have done this year, more or less) and then I will actually want to do things all by myself, without any pushing... I find it very very very hard to believe but I'm trying to let my persistent neurological connection get a bit more elastic...
God this not-going-to-gym situation is doing my head in now. I can't stop thinking about it. Oh don't think I mentioned that I've had an eating disorder for quite a few years now that I'm trying to get rid of too. It's going quite well if I may say so, but the bloody thought patterns, the particular way of thinking is still very much there.
So basically I hate more or less everything about myself and think of myself as very fat, ugly and bad. I might not look like it, but that's how I feel.
I'm really looking for some new friends, well not as much new, just friends. I really don't have any friends here. I know it sounds pathetic considering that I've lived in the town for 4 years now. So OK let me be honest, how many people do I know is a different thing from them being my friends. I can sound quite snobbish about these things and I really don't mean to. It's just that I don't have that much fun with these people, not the kind of crazy, impulsive, fun, fun. It's seems like people are getting too old for it, or they think it's silly or something. I don't know. But anyway, my point was that being the way that I am (hateful toward myself and all that) it's really no wonder that I don't have friends if that's the kind of thing I exude. Besides looking for friends is like looking for a new lover, you always find them when you stop looking - so I better stop...
Uploaded some pictures from my holiday (the ones of me are very bad so pay no attention) they are quite funny so have a look.
pics |
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|
| feeling better |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|12:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | optimistic | ] |
Much better today. Although I had a really annoying dream that my boyfriend showed naked pictures of me to other people and then cheated on me (I discovered it by finding a homemade sex video). I was so pissed off at him in my dream that I even pinched him really hard whilst asleep... My day is a lot busier today. Going to go see I, Robot. I've always loved reading Isaac Asimov and I'm sure I'll be mighty dissapointed after watching the film. But sometimes you just have to see things with your own eyes. Besides it's fun (occasionally) to just bitch about a film. I think my main problem with film is going to be that the robots are evil, which is a really stupid concept and not at all what I, Robot is about (on the contrary). Anyway I'll stop my extreme geekiness before it gets out of hand... Plan for today: Work, gym, shower, food, chill, meet friend, meet other friend, cinema... Hopefully I won't see myself in too many reflective surfaces and will be able to just get on with the day without slagging myself off to bits. |
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|
| Sigh |
[Aug. 24th, 2004|09:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Feel so negative today. Everything is just wrong and sucks. Feeling like I'm dragging myself back into old habits and cycles that aren't good for me. I just don't have any friends here to distract myself with. So pessimistic.
Had an appointment re. my benefits today and didn't go second time in a row. I'm doing the whole ostrich thing and buring my head in the sand. So I just ended up staying home all day, crying, bitching and generally feeling miserable. Just as things were going so well - or were they? In a way I just feel they were going well because everyone told me that I looked as if they were. I don't know. Maybe I just go looking for problems.
I just want to be out doing things and I find it immensely difficult to listen to my inner voice that tells me what I like and don't like. I know it all has it's roots in childhood and the parental relationship and knowing those roots appearently means I'm halfway there, although it certainly doesn't feel like that.
I just want to be able to do fun things that I enjoy (and more importantly know what those things are and allow myself to do them!), not constantly critisise myself and be so damned afraid of being overlooked and ignored or told that what I'm doing is stupid and wrong.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better, got more stuff to do (gym, uni and cinema) so I hope that will distract me from whatever this mood is.
Gnosce teipsum... easier said than done |
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